I didn't end things because of what I want. I don't want a relationship. I don't need a label. I don't want to be your girl friend and I definitely don't need you to be my boyfriend. I don't need to be your everything and you are not my everything. I ended things because of what I didn't want. I didn't want to be just the girl you fuck. I didn't want to be the person in your bed but never in your life. I didn't want to be someone you call up when you have nothing else to do. I didn't want to be second best anymore.
I read your Facebook messages and I saw that you were talking to your friend about a girl named Michelle. You also asked Diana to go get coffee and even offered to pick her up from her house. Was I sad that you wanted to see other people? No. I am not loyal to you and I have always had someone else on the side. I never expected this to be monogamous so I was not shocked or surprised when I saw those messages. Why was I sad? I realized that you COULD make the effort, that you COULD be the first one to ask someone to go out, and that you COULD make plans. You just never wanted to with me. I always thought you were aloof, distant, and nonchalant with everybody. But no, it is just with me. I'm just the person that you don't want to even bother with because you know I will be here. You were right. I was there. I'm not there anymore. I will never be there again.
Yes, I read through your phone messages with her too. Am I jealous? Yes, I am. I am jealous because you always seem to want to be with her but never with me. You always made the effort with her but not with me. I read the message that you offered to take her out to eat. That really hurt because I jokingly said you'll have to pay for me because I'm broke and you flatly said we're not dating. Again, I have always thought that you are the way you are because that is just your personality. It's not your personality. It's your attitude when you are around me. That message pushed me to end things with you.
I don't regret sleeping with you. I regret believing you when you said you miss me and does not want that time to be a one-night stand. I regret making love to you and cried because I know you would never love me. I regret telling you I love you because you don't deserve it.
I've never wanted to be everything. I needed to be something. Then I settled for anything. But I'm nothing.
You asked if I wanted to talk when I told you I wanted to end things. I didn't want to talk because I could never say everything that I need and want to say to you in person. So here it is. In an email that I will never send. You will never read this and you will never have to.